For a term I wrote for the Oxford Student's weekly column, the 'Sunday Roast', which satirizes student and local news. The column is written through the fictional persona of Rordon Gamsay. Here is a compilation of my favourite excerpts.

NEWS: ‘NO MORE NEWS’, EDITORS CLAIM (24/10/21)

First petrol, then Nando’s, and now news: there were startling scenes in Oxford as its tribes of student journalists were affected by a shortage of current events to cover.

“As it turns out, you don’t really need three student newspapers to report the goings-on at one university in one small city in Oxfordshire,” a saddened editor at the Cherwell revealed to Gamsay. “We haven’t had anything proper to report for weeks. Just yesterday we devoted a whole page to a story about a mobility scooter breaking down on Turl Street. The situation is simply dire.”

As the only newspaper worth reading, the OxStu remains unaffected by these developments. Quality coverage of important scenes, such as the teddy bears available for purchase at last week’s SU stash sale, are still posted daily.

‘News’ has been contacted for comment.

INVESTIGATION: FOURTH YEARS ‘NOT IRRELEVANT YET’ (01/11/21)

Those whose courses extend beyond the typical three years, largely STEM or Classics students and therefore already saddled with a reputation for being losers, have often been dismissed by the wider student body as ‘old people’ and ‘unknowns’. However, exclusive investigations from Gamsay have revealed that, contrary to popular belief, fourth years are not actually irrelevant.

A Biochemistry fourth year told Gamsay that she knew at least one fresher and had been to a singular Bridge Thursday this term. “This proves my relevance,” she stated.

A final year Engineering student asserted that he was ‘not boring’ and ‘still got around loads, even if [he didn’t] understand the deeper meaning of ‘good soup’ TikToks’. This interview took place at 10pm on a Saturday, and the subject in question was drinking Riesling and shining his shoes whilst answering questions.

“I might go to bed after this,” he revealed when the interrogation was over.

OMG: NEWSPAPER TO REBRAND AS ‘THE BHUTANI STUDENT’ (07/11/21)

Following on from Linacre’s historic decision to rename itself Thao College after an enormous donation, The Oxford Student has also taken the unprecedented step of rebranding itself in the wake of a sizable financial bequest.

Previously having a budget of nothing, lobbying from the SU has meant the OxStu now receives a grant of £10 a week. To honour this generous gift, the paper has decided to rebrand as ‘The Bhutani Student’ in honour of the SU President, Anvee Bhutani, who committed the cash.

“This money will change the OxStu’s – I mean, BhuStu’s life,” one editor-in-chief gushed. “I can’t believe our luck. Now we can print even more copies of the paper to leave in JCRs for the student public to ignore, and perhaps hire a better journalist than that idiot Gamsay.”

Gamsay has approached Gamsay for comment.

BREAKING: DONATION FROM MORAL E. SUSPECT FOUNDATION CRITICISED BY STUDENTS (14/11/21)

Last week it was revealed that the Moral. E. Suspect Foundation had made a private £180 million donation to the University. The bequest will provide scholarships to graduate students, specifically those involved in the study of the Shrek Cinematic Universe (SCU).

In a statement, the Vice-Chancellor thanked the Foundation, stating that “the money given may finally allow us to scientifically decide if Shrek Forever After is better or worse than Shrek 3.”

However, the decision to accept the money was criticised by the Student Union and PresCom, who argued that the Moral E. Suspect Foundation was an extremely morally suspect organisation, and that the University’s choice to receive donations from such sources is questionable.

An open letter signed by key student representatives said: “Which is the worst of the Shreks is a debate to which we would all like a definitive end, but we wish the University would not offer implicit support of dubious organisations such as these in the pursuit of this noble goal.”

The Moral E. Suspect Foundation, the Vice-Chancellor, and Shrek himself have all been approached for comment.

NO WAY: HUMANITIES UNEMPLOYMENT JOKES ‘STILL FUNNY’, JUDGE RULES (21/11/21)

Yesterday a case filed by a group of beleaguered humanities students has been dismissed by the Oxford High Court. The complainants launched the legal battle in despair at the quantity of jokes which link their degree choice to their future employment prospects, which they asserted were ‘boring, unfunny, and tedious’.

“Many humanities students go on to rich and diverse careers in multiple fields,” Katharine Jobless, a second year historian and one of the leaders of the protest, told Gamsay. “It is reductive and demoralising to make jokes about how we have no prospects when we already face significant battles in the form of underfunding, with the government themselves advocating that humanities degrees aren’t useful despite all having humanities degrees themselves.”

Investigations by Gamsay into last year’s graduates revealed that most Oxford humanities students weren’t unemployed 6 months after terminating their degree. From his randomised pool of English graduates, Gamsay discovered that they were working in a variety of stimulating careers, from solicitor to accountant to solicitor to solicitor to solicitor.

At the conclusion of the case the judge had this to say about their dismissal of the students’ claims: “Jokes about humanities students being unemployable are still funny,” they declared. “I would know – I did Classics, which is a joke in itself.”